Unless you have infertility, I don’t think it would be very easy to understand it. For the first few years of our marriage, we were just waiting to have kids. Then we decided to start trying, and then we tried and tried and tried and tried, and we’re still trying. We haven’t given up. But the point is, we have been trying for seven years! We have no children.

Men at church will come up to me and say that I’m so lucky that we’re not even trying to have kids because it is so sad to see their wives go through a cycle and then get her period. These wives are always devastated. I get it. I completely understand that. But then I look at the person who is talking to me and they have two three or four kids. There is definitely something called secondary infertility—where a couple has a first child successfully and then can’t have a successful second pregnancy or beyond—these may be instances of this. But, so far, not a single one of those men who has brought that to my attention has not had the baby they were trying for.

Here’s another one. Many people, men and women, think it is appropriate to tell me what my intimate life should look like. They tell me how often to do it, what position to do it in, when the optimal time to do it is, when to take the basal metabolic temperature, when to use an ovulation prediction kit, and the list goes on and on and on. Why is it their business? I never told any of them that we have ever been trying to have kids. When they ask if we are trying, I just shrug and say we’re just waiting a little longer. It’s none of their business if we are or not, and it’s not my job to tell them what I’m going through.

If I do decide to tell people what I’m going through, then we are always labeled as the couple with infertility, and we are so much more than that. We love bouldering, riding horses, running a ranch, hiking, river rafting, four-wheeling, hunting, and many other things. There are millions of things people could talk to us about, but whenever we have gotten that label, then it’s never anything more than us as the ‘infertile couple.’

I know and fully acknowledge that none of these people mean harm. I don’t fault them for that, and I don’t know what I would say to people if I were in their shoes and had to deal with someone like me, who doesn’t fit the mold of the way families should look in our church. So, I get it. I’m not mad. But it is still painful sometimes.

These comments and conversations make me think that people think I’m an idiot. Maybe they don’t think I understand the mechanics of baby-making. I do. I totally do. In fact, I probably understand way more than they do. I understand sperm counts, ovulation windows, the two-week wait, viable pregnancies, timing, embryo development, implantation, FSH and LH levels in both men and women, progressive motility, sperm morphology, intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI), and everything. We have read so many books. My wife gets ultrasounds each month so we can evaluate her follicle development and when to time the ovulation window. I’m willing to bet that the vast majority of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints know very little about any of this stuff. That’s what seven years of infertility and five years of assisted reproductive technologies gives you.

On a side note, I mentioned that we have not given up and are still trying. We’re going in for an IUI (intrauterine insemination) later this week. This is a gutsy move ever mentioning this to anyone, but I can handle it. I’m very well prepared for the fact that it will not work. In fact, I expect it not to work, but we still have faith and hope.

Navigating Infertility in a Family-Centered Faith Community: A Scientific and Personal Perspective

Abstract

This article examines the complex intersection of infertility and religious communities, particularly those with a strong family-centric culture. We explore the psychological, social, and medical aspects of infertility, drawing from both personal experiences and current scientific research.

Introduction: The Unseen Struggle

Infertility, defined by the World Health Organization as the failure to achieve pregnancy after 12 months or more of regular unprotected sexual intercourse, affects approximately one in six people of reproductive age worldwide. In family-centered religious communities, this medical condition can present unique challenges that extend beyond the physical and emotional toll on individuals and couples.

The Prevalence and Impact of Infertility

Recent data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention indicates that about 19% of married women aged 15-49 years with no prior births experience infertility. This statistic, however, does not fully capture the breadth of the issue, as it excludes single individuals and members of the LGBTQ+ community who may require medical assistance to procreate.

Personal Narrative: Living with Infertility in a Family-Centric Church

The experience of infertility in a family-centered religious community can be particularly challenging. As one individual recounts:

“Unless you have infertility, I don’t think it would be very easy to understand it. For the first few years of our marriage, we were just waiting to have kids. Then we decided to start trying, and then we tried and tried and tried and tried, and we’re still trying. We haven’t given up. But the point is, we have been trying for seven years! We have no children.”

This narrative highlights several key issues:

1. The prolonged nature of infertility struggles
2. The disconnect between those experiencing infertility and those who are not
3. The pressure to conform to societal and religious expectations regarding family formation

The Science of Infertility

Infertility can result from various factors affecting both male and female reproductive systems. Current medical understanding recognizes that:

1. Male infertility often involves issues with semen ejection, sperm count, or sperm morphology and motility.
2. Female infertility may be caused by abnormalities of the ovaries, uterus, fallopian tubes, or endocrine system.
3. In some cases, infertility remains unexplained even after thorough medical evaluation.

Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART)

Advancements in medical science have led to the development of various assisted reproductive technologies. In vitro fertilization (IVF) is one of the most well-known and effective treatments. In 2021, more than 86,000 infants (2.3% of all infants) in the United States were conceived through ART, primarily IVF.

The Psychological Impact of Infertility

Research indicates that infertility can have significant psychological effects on individuals and couples. A recent study from Stanford University found that:

1. Infertility leads to poorer mental health among both partners.
2. There is a notable increase in the likelihood of divorce among couples struggling with infertility.
3. Women who remain infertile five years after starting treatment show a 30% increase in antidepressant use.

Navigating Social Interactions and Misconceptions

One of the most challenging aspects of infertility in a family-centered community is managing social interactions and addressing misconceptions. As our narrator explains:

“Many people, men and women, think it is appropriate to tell me what my intimate life should look like. They tell me how often to do it, what position to do it in, when the optimal time to do it is, when to take the basal metabolic temperature, when to use an ovulation prediction kit, and the list goes on and on and on.”

This experience underscores the need for greater education and sensitivity within religious communities regarding infertility and reproductive health.

The Role of Faith and Community Support

While the journey through infertility can be isolating, faith communities have the potential to provide crucial emotional and spiritual support. However, this requires a shift in perspective and approach:

1. Recognizing infertility as a medical condition rather than a personal failing
2. Providing pastoral care that addresses the unique needs of individuals and couples facing infertility
3. Fostering an inclusive environment that celebrates diverse family structures and paths to parenthood

Conclusion: Towards a More Inclusive Understanding

As our understanding of infertility evolves, so too must our approach to supporting those affected by it, especially within family-centered faith communities. By combining scientific knowledge with compassion and inclusivity, we can create environments where all individuals, regardless of their fertility status, feel valued and supported.

For those struggling with infertility, it’s crucial to remember that you are not alone. Seek support from medical professionals, mental health experts, and understanding members of your community. Your worth is not defined by your ability to conceive, and your journey, whatever its outcome, is valid and deserving of respect.